Hi,
Yesterday I was visting my own blog after a long time and I started sifting through the previous posts…..its really funny you know when you have been blogging for so long – I can see a younger me in the earlier posts…I used to blog regularly then, so there is a lot about me there which I myself had forgotten.

Today is one of those rare occassioins when my B school has given me a holiday.I am now so used to working 7 days a week that a holiday seems odd and out of place though always welcome obviously!

Yesterday I had an important viva.It dealt with the summer project I had done for my summers some time back.Of late I had been avoiding giving presentations… I just felt that there are better presenters in our core project group.So the final compliment from the panel was a welcome surprise.

The reason why I mention this is because I have to stop undermining my own abilities.But then my mind becomes a slish-slosh of everything. I don’t know how useful it would be…I don’t know..there is so much running through my head.

Apart from this to day next month this time (its 8:53 am) I would be home! I have been missing home a lot these days.I am tired of taking care of myself, I just want good rest, a relaxed atmosphere, a nice clean loo, I want to decide which tube light is to be kept on and which off, I want nice food, I want to watch TV , I want to be driven around in a car and not in a rickety auto.These days I have been feeling very exhausted with all this….I just want to go back home and curl on the bed and sleep for 2 days straight!

One month seems like a lot of time.Particularly after L (remember her? My frnd back home) thought I was coming home on the 29th of August and not 29th of September.
I want time to hurry up- but for once I know that as time passes by the day I will have to leave all this will also come closer.I don’t know what to wish for. I have had some bad times here of late- God knows I have had.But there has been a lot of good behind that bad.There have been times when I have felt very lonely but those moments have been few and numbered. I had often thought that I would never make friends at B school but I have been proven wrong and I am so glad about that.

I like the easy camraderie I share with my roomie.How easily I can read all her expressions and how easliy she can inspite of being who she is [:P] read mine. There are things about her which obviously I cannot understand even after staying with her for over an year but t the same time it is funny how fond I have become of her.[tw]

There are other people on campus, though few in number whose friendship I really value.Anyways that would make a post in itself.I will come up with one if I feel I can or if I feel the need for it..:)
So today is a lazy day..actually not really-I have a lot of work to wrap up today and I think I should get going ….
Lots of love
And work hard.
RP

Hi,

After a very bad 5-6 months I have started feeling better again…It was like this huge wave –I knew it was coming, it came with full force and left me broken in a million pieces .
However, now things are looking good.I know somethings can happen and others cannot…you win some, you loose some.Thats the way it is.
Anywyas, lets leave that aside.The days are filled bup to the brim here and though I crib like anything I know that I love it this way.I love to slog I love to do decent work.It gives me a high of some sorts.
Also this trimester was bad with resoect to competitions.I just got one short list! No wins.Last trimester it was like I had the midas touch-anything I touched truned to a nice cheque.hehe..anyways I realised suddenly how difficult it is to win these stupid Business school competitions!
Apart from that , my end term exams are round the corner.I want to give them my best shot and I have been working accordingly for it.Or so I think. I knw Rank one is far away but atleast that stupid bronze medal should stay, right?
At the end of the day I can, I guess only work rest all is upto the cosmos….but I want to do my bit honestly and sincerely….
Lots of love
RP.

Shit!!
Oh no!
I really cannot believe that this has happened!
Yesterday was my blog’s third birthday and I completely forgot! :P

Okay, so my blog turns three.

Three long years.195 posts.

*sounds of trumpets and general rejoicing in blogedom*

I started blogging when I was in 2nd year of engineering so it has seen me through my two placements in college, the b skool entrance exams, first year of bskul and now my summers..it sure has been a long journey and I hope it continues:)

On the downside I know I no longer blog with the same regularity and the same passion with which I used blog when I was back home.People from bskuls will understand.
There is just so much happening at every point in time that I do not get the time/energy to do this bit…

But, at the same time my blog is always at the back of my mind.

So, Thank you friends [the few of you who remain ] ,thank you for taking out the time to read through the now very irregular posts :)

And yeah! Before I forget again.

Happy birthday , Blog!
Love,
RP

Random thoughts---Again
:)

*It is raining.

*It is comfortably cold.

*I called in sick at office today:)
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*My cousin got 94% in her Board exams and with that my record of getting the highest marks in the family comes to an end.The interesting thing is that my record lasted a good 8 years. *superior look*

*My latest obsession is trivia quizzing.I have started spending hours on quizzing sites, wiki et al. You will be surprised at how many interesting people and stories are around us.:)

* I have realised that I hate working, at a corporate office in formals and all, talking in hushed whispers – I just hate it.I do not like it at all.But may be I will in some time.I hope so, anyways.

*Today I googled and read about Arushi Sharma, since both my Mum and my Grand Dad were tellling me about her.Apart from everything else what struck me the most was that I used to look so different when I was 14. So much simpler.I am not saying that either is good or either is bad but it is just a casual observation.

*I watched Narnia day before yesterday.And I simply looovvvedddddd it! It is so ossumm.I wish things like that really happened. I am also very amazed at how much fantasy fiction attracts me to itself.

*I almost bought The Chronicles of Narnia myself yesterday.Only thing is it was too expensive and I did not have tat much of money.

*I would like to make a movie some day.

*May be I will buy myself a cam corder with the money I get for the internship.

*But actually I know I will not :

Happy rains
RP

The verdict

So, one year is done and over with.And the final verdict??

I love this place.

Totally. I don’t know if something real bad will happen next year and make me hate b skul but as of now..i love it every bit.
Last night I went for my now daily walk around campus and I was surprised at the memories that flooded me!!
The stairs where we were ragged, the hexagonal benches where again we were ragged, the academic building to which we rush to madly every morning during the trimester, the lane behind the hostel where I have taken umpteen number of walks with friends, the bench where I sat down and cheered the ’cricket’ match [infact just came back from cheering for another very happening match :P ]..hehe..The little garden like thing in front of the warden's house, the warm brown light at his door,the big huge trees and their beuatiful flowers which are a riot of colours in winter, the dhabas outside…the hostpitals nearby and the cremration grounds in front :P

So and so forth…. so many memories and all of them pleasant

I like the feeling of independence I get here. I like hanging out with friends..hell I even like the madness of classes and quizes which I invariably do badly in.
And btw, I love my class.I love us[err..:P ] because we are really cool.We are not as diligent as the other sectionbut neither are we as sderious or as mundane or as quiet , we fight like anything in class,the proffs , I have reasons to believe are scared of us..we can go crazy at times.I am glad I am in this section than the other.
The last trimester was very hectic.We did not even get a single Sunday off.We worked each day and on top of that I worked for competitions as well.So, yeah it was very very very hectic and now –with the summers going on, things are much more relaxed.

I like staying in the hostel even though there are very few people here.It is quiet.But lovely nevertheless.I love those walks I take in the night.
I am glad to be here now:)
Finally I think I have started thinking of this place as a home away from home:)
Love
RP

It is just sad I guess.

I dont even think I have an option.There is only one way and I know what it is. But I also know that all i need is time.Time works wonders. I believe in that..and I need more work.I think I will start studying..whatever where ever..just start working to keep myself sane.

I am in a quiet room in the basement of my hostel. With today being Day Zero of placements for the senior batch, this common room which is generally used for gruop meets etc breathes silence.

Today has been exceptionally quiet as I was in my room for the better part fo the day, working on a white paper which has to be submitted 5th midnight.

I have realised that I like working on White Papers a lot, I am not as hopeless with them as I had believed myself to be!

Life here has changed me in many ways. Somtimes I wonder how my life would have been had I not gotten through Bschool.
Maybe I would be married by now.
Maybe!
sheesh!

Anyways...

The city...slowly but steadily it seems to be growing on me. I like its broad roads, lined with trees on either sides...auto rides have become quite a hit with me now!!

phew! need to cut short the post..got more work for the paper :

BUy Buy

Daughter of the East!

I had bought my copy of 'Daughter of the East' many many years back.[ shit, am old enough to say things like now ::: ].However ,the hard bound thick book somehow always put me off.I always wanted to read it..but it sadly always was the book I was planning to read after my current read.

It was her assasination that made me quickly finish the book I was reading then and start with her autobiography.
Today while travelling for close to 10 hours in the traina nd then in the auto, I spent a lot of time with Ms Bhutto, and I cannot even begin to put in words how terribly impressed I am!!

She was an amazing woman, it is not easy to bear all that she has borne! and with so much dignity!
Without giving anything away, for the first time on this blog, I am actually going to ask all those of you even slightly interested in history and its many shades, to go and pick up a copy of the 'Daughter of the East!'

Am back in Bskul after a good few days at home. I am already not liking it :(

Buy buy and take care! My hands are so cold!! brrrrr

and oh yes, btw, Have a great 2008 !:)

Welcome back all ye lovers of the blog!

So, I write.
*Thunderous applause everywhere in blogdom*

*takes a bow acknowledging the thunderous mirrior shattering applause *

Finally I do. After many concerned emails/scraps from some of you I finally write.
First and foremost I am alive.
And the second equally important thing is that the second trimester is now over.I have had a multitude of experiences in the past 3 months, some of which in their own quiet way have changed bits of me forever.

1. I still cry when too tense.Somethings never change , I guess.

1.5I am still crazy about pink.Somethings never change , I guess. :P

2.I have started depending too heavily on people. May be I should change that.

3.Am not going to France. Dunt even ask why, it is sucha long story that I will go crazy telling it here!!!

5. Sometimes it is simply blissful to just look at people.Some people that is.:)

6.Some people make you luk at things from a totally different perspective. It so different that it shocks you in a nice way.I am glad to have met some people of that kind there.

7.Mum needs to get used to me coming back from college.Only then will she stop burtsing into tears on seeing me.
This time around when she saw me climb down from the coach , her eyes flooded with tears. and it was while she was wiping off tears of [hopefully] joy that she informed me that she thought I had put on oddles of weight [ which I have not, btw ! huh! ] and that my dress sense was horrible and that hopefully I do not go to college dressed the same way.
:

too tired , too worked up .no creative juices flowing.
Just wanted t let u guys know that I have not forgotten u all!

:P
rock on!

At times things here do not make a lot of sense..
It gets bugging to talk to everyone...just needa few minutes to myslef which also I cannot get simply coz ppl are too fake to not pretend to bother..
blah man!
waiting eagerly to go home...
Freaked out mann..just need to be alone for a few minutes and not give explanataions to a hundred and ten people about why I am not my chirpy self.
blah!!
BLAAHHH!

Aaah..am back in my city, one trimester over! One whole trimester over. Here are some of the highlights:

1. There was a point in time when I was so bugged up with life in a b skul, in particular my own that amidst another of those calls to when I cry and mum talks, to calm me, Mum promised to buy me the tickets back home. The deal was that I was to stay in the b skul till Saturday [that day was a Monday] and if even then I wanted to leave, the tickets would be ready.

2. Lets just say I stayed. J

3. Before coming to b skul, I used to sleep for 8 hours a day, after coming here I have managed on 8 hours in 4 days. And I survived!

4. There is this guy I study with, we actually study in a big group but since I stay away from most other guys and spend a lot of time with this one, people like pulling my leg about him and his about me!
So, much so that even I have started pulling his leg about me!!
Hehehe
It is sucha big joke between the two of us! It is my duty and job for the next year and a half to find a nice girl for him.Which hopefully I will.

5. I am very sensitive to the smell of a smoke! Some of the guys are catully scared of coming near me when they have just had a smoke!

6.I was in a pink saree during the second party we had here, it was the reverse freshers and I was supposed to put teeka on the forehead of the seniors.My roomie , however had to do coyote ugly, she was be at the bar.
Ek roomie ne teeka lagaya, doosari ne daaru pilayi
Said another roomie, very philosophically!

7.Finance. I hated it, only 3 days ago I have started liking it…my new found obsession with finance!
Imagine! I think I am in love with finance now .:

8. I think I have done miserably in the term. I studied quite hard and was very consistent and diligent and all of that, but still somehow I managed to screw it all for myself.

9. I did the maths end term so beautifully that I impressed myself no end. I sat cross legged during the exam, got myself a bottle of chilled water and solved one sum after the other, sipping water in between as if it were some great drink.
It was the first time in my life that I did a maths paper so confidently! However, the course, sadly is a non credit one!

10.I am truly and honestly in love with Ecomonics and am really looking forward to the eco course next trimester! I hope we get a good proff!
11.I am 3/4th myself, ¼ of me is the lappy!

12. Last but not the least , lots of good things have happened at B skul to me. Really! I have met ossum people, made some great friends, studied under some of the best proffs I have ever studied with, been busy and have loved it , have slogged and have loved it again.

One of the latest things to have happened is a place 3 hours from Paris. I will be spening one whole trimester in France come this January.
Enough said.
:)

So, tomm I have a Marketing End term and here I am, at 2:30 in the morning, putting up a blog post.

I surprsingly often end up hanging out with the Tamil gang. So, these people have a lot of fun at my expense when I attempt to speak in Tamil.
My Tamil is reasonably fluent now. I can speak 3 senetences. I am not really sure which one means what ..*ahem* but I am reasonably confident of my skills. So today while I was giving final touches to my CV I must confess I did contemplate putting down Tamil as a language I knew at the elementary level .

Huh!

Anyways, so today amidst copying Rajni kant and them almost luaghing their heads off over dialoges I could not make head or tail of, one of my friends taught me this:

waikai orvattum,[ I kept saying, waikai orkuttam :P ]
innnniki jaykravan, naliki tonam
inniki tonakram, nilliki jaipan!

It means that life is a circle, if someone is loosing out today, he will win tomm and if he is winning today he might loose out tomm.

For someone like me, going through what I am right now, these words provided great comfort.

So I htought it must be some grave profound Tamil shloka or something, and I asked that question. The entire Tam Gang burst out laughing again.
Apparently it was some famous tamil movie dialog!
:
:

Huh!

Another thing is that I need to start behaving more sensibly now, the only problem is that I dont want to...
*sigh*
*double sigh*
*triple sigh*
Sensible I shall be...yes, I will be :)

And on that resolute note, it is a buy buy and gunite from my side!
Ta!
-RP.

P.S Bhai coming to Bskul on his way home on the 7th.Yipeeeee!!! I have honestly never waited so much for him! Each and everyone of my friends knows about him coming now!!

Raat koh chaar baje !

In two more minutes it shall be four in the morning.
As I sit in Computer centre typing this I can distinctly hear the tapping of the keys, someone is playing music on his/her lappy, the low hum of the AC proviodes the background score.

I am in touch with someone who has just fallen in love, they are a very sweet couple and I ams o surprised at how I cannot help but smile each time I see my friend talk about her guy. This other day I was in a rotten mood , was missing home really bad, did not feel like doing anything....that was when it so happened that I spoke with my frnd and she told me about him!
Seeing /hearing her talk and blush, share all the sweet nothings with me....I totally went into the 'whoppeee!!!!' mode!
The depression vanished into thin air and I felt almost as happy as the girl in question!
hehehe

I know I have been blogging very intermittently these days but it is only now when the end terms are about to start that we have a little time to breathe, not too much but yes a little.

Academically, I have been messing up big time..but I guess that is okay...may be someother day, some other trimester.
:P

Day after tommorow my end terms begin, we start with a non credit maths course , so I will begin work for it tommorrow only.

Take care:)
RP.

The end terms begin on Monday.
The first tri has almost come to an end now...as they say, time flies...It sure has in my case.
I do not blof at all these days, and today only I got a particularly conerned mail from a bog reader, which kinda woke me up to my responsibilities towards this blog :P

My schedules here are very tight. Like today only, I had classes from 9 till 6:30..have a tets tomm, 3-4 marketing projects have to be done, an entire psychology project has to be dealt with and I am yet to start with padhai for the end terms.

Today was our last class for a particular subject.The proff in question is an intersting case study actually.He began by hitting us where it hurt us the most and he ended with hitting us where it hurt the most but somewhere along the way, we as a class actually ended up liking him better than any other proff here.

He screamed at us, shouted at us, refuted each point we had to say, disagreed with each of our opinions, used abusive language in class....the list actually is endless.

He would throw us out if he acught us yawing in class and the first day he came , he screamed ta the entire class for an hour coz we did not stand in class as we gave our introductions.

But gradually as we became used to his ways, his classes started becoming fun. Things he said , about life in general, made great sense to me, infact I paid greatest attention to him when he talked aboout his life or was some gyaan about life.

As parting words today Proff had just one thing to say.

He said that he saw great potential in each and everyone of us. If we did not reach the top, it would be coz of only one reason. The reason would be we ourselves.

The whole class clapped and cheered for him as we came to the end of the course with him.....
Cheers and have a good rakhee...
:)

Yog.

So we have Yoga classes every alternate day at the painful hour of 6 in the morning.We sleep at 3 the previous night and are woken up by the various alarm clocks we set by 5:30 am.

As a side note, last to last turn, my roomies simply could not wake me up for the class and they had to leave without me!

So with 2 and a half hours of beauty sleep, the couple of us troop down to the place where the yoga sessions happen.
Yoga is compulsory though it is a non credit course.

One can easily spot poeple with tousled hair, crumpled clothes, straight out of the beds, glad to have managed to wke up at 6. Almost everyone is in a trance, we move like zombies, with our eyes closed, hoping to make it to the right room.
Eyes closed, I generally make way to the place where the mats are piled up, and with eyes closed I pick one of them and return to the hall where the yoga begins.

Till the time our instructor begins the session, we simply lie on the floor to catch up on sleep, most of us have to be woken up by guruji himself when he is about to start the session.

Now we have guruji who wears a white kurta payjama and comes to teach us the subtle nuances of yoga.
The session starts with us chanting something, even after many yoga sessions I am not really sure about what we chant...I just make weird noises and hope that that is what is being said.

The sad part is that this chanting has to be done with our eyes closed.Now with just 2.5 hours of sleep the previous night, keeping eyes closed and staying awake is totally impossible..so a couple of us start dozing off as soon as the chanting begins. This irks guruji very much.

The next thing in line is 'Bhatrika'. I personally do not even attempt bhastrika. And apparenlty there are many like me. So during the last class, a guy from my batch , closed his eyes, sat in the mudra and promptly fell asleep when he was supposed to be breathing in and out doing bhastrika. Guruji is smarrt. He can sense a sleeping yogi pretending to do yoga from a distance. So what he did was that he calmly walked upto the guy in question and put the mike in his hand right under the guy's nose.

All remained silent.

None of the heavy duty breathing sound that should have rightfully eminated from the mike.
Guruji kept the mike there for 30 40 seconds .The guy slept for the next 30-40 seconds.
Then guruji had had enough, he prodded the guy saying 'arre devdas, utho'

Devdas, blissfully asleep sitting in padmasan, was jerked out of his slumber. Within seconds he was back to doing bhastrika to the bets of his abilities amidst laughter around.

The point is that , shav asan is our fave asan, the moment guruji says, 'abb, aap kripiya let jaye, shav asan ki sthiti mein' , we give a mental whoop of joy and lie down on the mats , ready to catch a couple of minutes sleep.

Guruji spends the next few minutes waking up people by prodding them with his feet as he moves along the students.

When guruji begins the yoga class he always makes it a point to ask the class this question,' kaun kaun pet saaf karke aaya hai'.
Initially we were too embaressed to say anything and not a single hand would go up when this question was put up.But...now approximately 6-7 hands shoot up.
The reason is simple, guruji does not allow thses people to sit for yoga lessons, asks them to drink a cup of warm water, take a small 2 minute strol around and then spend soem time in the loo and then come back for yoga.So these guys just leave not to come till it is almost 7 and time to give attendance.

Yoga is good for health. Yoga gives us about 5-6 minutes of sleep, if you are a good potential manager you can grab upto 10 minutes of sleep.

aaaahhhh..sleep...ossum !

Gunite guys!
RP.

Hi,
So It has been 12 days in this place now.It is 2:25 in the morning and I still have loads of work I need to wrap up before I call it a day.
Highlights:

1.I have managed with about an hours sleep, e.g come back from a session with the seniors at 3, jab /settle down by 4, get up 5:30 to drag yourself for yoga at 6.

2.I am generally oscillating between extremes here. Sometimes I miss home so bad that it is almost a physical pain.

3.I keep looking at the gates of my bskul , and have been tempted real bad to just run away and never come back.

4.In the past week, I had a stomach upset followed with some fancy insect taking a fancy to my face, crawling across it and leaving a huge scar behind. If that was not enough I promptly fell ill again, viral fever being the culprit this time .

5.Fo the first time today in 12 days I laughed my guts out, I laughed so bad that I thought I would die laughing. This guy in class was enacting the nirma super ad while the proff was droning on and on about direct and derived demand.Gosh, he was funny!

6.I am so much in awe of the students I am studying with.90%of them are toppers .

7.I messed up the first quiz I wrote here so terribly bad that I cannot even begin to talk about it!

8.I have realised that if I have free time , it almost kills me!!!

I hope you guys have been doing good, as far as I am concerned , I am hoping I will soon start feeling better here.

gunite
RP.

P.S. Will try to be more regular with blogging from now on!

Two things..


Today is the 30th of June 2007. This day is significant 'coz of two things.


1. My blog turns 2 today. It has been a very nice two years at that!

2. I leave home today , for the first time, to try and get an MBA degree for myself. I am all packed and ready to leave, which I will at 9 in the night.

It is funny that my blog should turn two the day I leave home. I have spent the last two years working for CAT and other MBA exams, my blog bears ample testimony to that. Little had I known when I had started the blog that that very day, two years later I would be leaving home , no not for a job which I so dreaded but for MBA which I dread even more now!


The pic below shows N writting on the blackboard on our last day in college a few days ago.http://smilethesmile.blogspot.com/2007/06/good-bye-as-i-begin-to-pen-down-this-it.html: chek the end of the post for more details on this picture.

So, Happy birthday and goodbye.

Happy Birthday Blog.

Goodbye ma, pa, my home, my room, my city, neighbours and everything else that has been a part fo my life here....will come to you all in 10 weeks :)

Celebrationzz...

Aaah...well, the results were declared. 8th semester Btech results.
Today, in the morning , I read about them in the newspaper and tried hopelessly to log on to the website but to no avail.

I had not received my customary sms from him[http://smilethesmile.blogspot.com/2006/09/so-i-blog-about-him-today-and-let-me.html ] either. So that meant that either the results had not yet been declared or I had done miserably.But about 15 minutes later a message sent at about one the morning reached me .
It was from P. I have not spoken to him since I left college, but yet he remember his job [:P]

I read the message and smiled for 2 minutes non stop.

Time for a beeeeeeeegggggg wala 'yeayyyyyyyyyyy'
:P

A round of chilled mango shake with dollops of ice cream and a generous sprinkling of nuts for everyone here!


And yess, I could not help but put the links of some other ecstatic moments when the first thing I did on knowing my result was to go online and blog about err...umm..myslef!

http://smilethesmile.blogspot.com/2006/09/results-well-6th-sem-results-are.html
http://smilethesmile.blogspot.com/2006/03/yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy1.html

And yeah, btw, I am Er. Raam Pyari now.*superior look*

Memories inside a Drawer.....

A bad net connection and an even worse volatage situation at home has ensured very few posts in the last few days.I have been packing and buying for most part of this week and am now basically done with most of the packing.

It is funny in a sad way to go through all the drawers. You simply have no idea how many memories they treasure within their closed and dark interiors.Going through ancient drawers has been the most difficult part of the process of leaving home till now.

This one particular drawer is an ancient one. It is mostly neat and organised. I can take a few things from that drawer I decide for myself as I start taking out stuff one after the other, fingering each item that my eager fingers find and reliving memories associated with it.

There is this beautiful hand made birthday card from Dada(my nana ji), who is a renowned artist.I am his favourite grandchild.
Inside the card which has Lord Ganesh on the front , in his beautiful artistic hand writing are these words in Hindi.

'Tejaswini Pyari RP,

Jeevan ho prasson sa,
Mann nache mayur sa,

Tej ho suraj sa,
Bhagya ho chand sa.

-Dada
-Nani''

I spent some time staring at the card. Both my grandparents are 80+, Nani has not been keeping well these days and each time I meet her, I fear it will be the last. I went over to my grand parents for 3 days last week. There was so much of love around me that I cannot even try to put it in words.Since I am as it is emtionally very volatile these days, I almost broke down into tears when it was time to leave everyone . 15 people whom you pretty much love like anything, standing outside an ancient house where you have spent some of the best few days of your life , waving a bye at you sitting in an about to speed off car......

I shirk off the memory and dive into the drawer once again.
There is this HUGE birthday card from Bhai.It is a simple card.There is a cute girl wearing a pink ribbon in her hair on the front.

It says:

'Didi,

I might have taken
The pampering for granted
in all these years

But never the love behind it all.

Love always,
Bhai.'

I have never ever read these simple words without having silent , helpless tears cascade down my cheeks.Never ever. Not even now.

There is a letter from my cousin tucked in some remote corner of the drawer . I take it out and go through it . The letter consists of the type of nonsense sisters in class 8 somehow manage to write each time, without fail . However, just below the main letter are a few lines which have been unsuccessfully hidden by a scrap of paper which has not even been glued propely. On top of this piece of paper is written the following:

'Didi, please do not remove this scrap of paper'.

So, when on the morning of my 21st birthday I got the letter, I immeditaely removed the scrap of paper to see what was written under it.

This is what was written:

Didi, I do not think I am supposed to tell you this but a surprise birthday party has been planned for you .All your friends are being invited in the evening . But you are not supposed to know this .

I spent the evening pretending to be surprised at the very expected turn of events unfolding in front of my eyes.

Hehee..but it is such a cute letter , and she so innocently told me of the surprise birthday party that I cannot help but smile each time I see that letter and recall how I had to keep pretending to be surprised the whole of that evening!

Then there is this weird thing in my drawer. I had a crush in college, I never spoke much to him and he spent his days in college telling everyone what a responsible girl RP is. Huh!
Anyways, so he had given me that thing. Just like that, he had one extra and he thrust it at me while we were waiting ,in college, for an event to begin which I was supposed to host.
'Here, you keep this', he had said smiling.
It has been over 3 years since that day and I sure have kept it!

There are sets of bangles kept neatly in boxes.I open each of the boxes and finger the pink, blue and silver bangles. My Mum has no sense of which bangle will go with which suit/ saree. I always do that for her. For a moment I sit and wonder who will do that now.

There is a green and yellow wind chime.It is all tangled and messed up now. It was very pretty once . It is so symbolic. Read on.A good friend of mine gave it to me on my birthday. We were such good friends, I recall and something somewhere hurts at the memory of what happened later. We studied together for CAT, used to go for the AIMCATs, do quanttogether , discuss questions hell, we even had adjacent rooms for the actual CAT exam. Then I got thru a b skul and she could not convert any call, so she stopped talking to me, stopped talking my calls, stopped replying to messages. I remember calling her up many times even when I was holidaying in Chandigarh and Simla. BUt she would not take my calls.

Then she called me when both of us had cleared the written round of this job inteview, that day was like the old days, I did not question her much about the calls and everthing was , it seemed, back to normal.Then I got through and she was chucked out. So, well...she stopped talking again.
So, now we do not speak, without even a single fight, no harsh words spoken, nothing .For me she was a good friend but for her I was just competition.....it is sad, but it is also a lesson.An important one.

Now, you tell me, what should I leave and what do I take with me? Which memory do I let go of, what part of myself do I leave behind?
This is going to be such a big change for me that I cannot even begin to put it in words. When I was done with the drawer I sat in my room for a long time, thinking .Thoughts pressed against my mind and my heart felt heavy and laden.

RP.