Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Why, in an arranged marriage do we yes to who we say yes to?

I belong to the old school. I wanted it all the to begin and (hopefully) end with the same man. There were enough people who proposed marriage along the way but I never got into anything just for the heck of it or for peer pressure. Even when I was really young I had the sense to understand that this guy in front of me -we will not work out.

Also I was too geeky and busy with tests and grades to really bother ( If you don't believe me, check out my posts till 2009- they are all about grades!)

Now that I have been married for over a year ( and how I love to say that)I wonder what makes a couple tick. Tick for the long term.... that makes you stay together for your life time.

Mine was an arranged match. I was 24 when I met Sid, had seen really little of the world and knew very little about relationships et al (again due to the fact that I was an out right maggu. Sid made sense to me. He used to do cool things like travel to India for the weekend to meet me but I think it was just good luck that Sid is who he is.

The reason I say this is because I am surrounded by women my age who are still looking. For various reasons they are going in for arranged marriages and most of them have met 20-25 boys! Without liking anyone!

Some one is not cool enough, someone is not polite enough, someone is not educated enough, someone is not cheerful enough, some one is not confident enough, someone is not intelligent enough...

My close friends tell me how tough it is meet someone who even meets the basic bare minimum criteria.

And I wonder that is that because as we grow older we become more set in our ways? Do we want more from the person than we had the brains to demand when we were younger?

Sid was the first and ONLY guy I met even though ours was an arranged match. It so happens that he is very well mannered, well educated, cheerful, extremely confident, and very alert and intelligent. But I was not consciously looking for all this. I did not have the brains to figure out that this was all needed! Infact I do not know how many of these characteristics are actually needed.

Met Sid, liked him, he liked me, end of story. It was as simple. The only thing I was looking for in my husband to be was strength of character. That was really all.

But I do wonder, what really makes relationships work. What do you think?


P.S. I am getting increasingly busy with office work. Hence the long periods without posts.

PPS Do notice the subscribe box just below the 'About Me' section! I am proud to say that I put that! So please, if you like the blog and would like updates to reach your inbox, enter your email id!


Prathima said...

Lucky you!:) I went through the so called boy hunt and it was not easy at all! never felt someone was right for me until I met my hubby:) lost the count after first few:)

Dee said...

You know I was married the conservative way-parents decide and lo and behold marriage was upon me! I must say it was both our likenesses and differences tht have helped us hold on-despite ups and downs! and the will of both to hold on, sometimes of one then of the other! Think of your self as a team! It has helped us!

Shilpa Garg said...

There are 2 sides of a coin in every situation and so is the case in both arranged marriages (AMs)and love marriages (LMs). There are successful as well as failed AMs and like wise in LMs.

I believe, the key to any successful relationship is... both the partners need to put in efforts to make the relationship work... trust, communication, letting go certain things, being assertive on others etc.

wanderlust said...

It is very difficut to say what makes it click initially in an arranged marriage. I ahve two sisters one who just spoke to the guy over phone and decided he is the one and another who met , talked and then almost did a satyagraha at home to get that guy. For me, I could never think of an arranged marriage.
Once the wedding and then the honeymoon is over, it is basic understanding, respect, care and love for each other that matters whether it is arranged of love.
Thanks for coming by my page :-)

tanvii.com said...

I believe there is no definite criteria for a marriage to work [arranged or love] ... Everyone is constantly changing and growing ... so as long as two people can find a balance while changing they will continue to click. It is of course not as simple as this but I think unless a person is not 100% sure that they can make the commitment they should stay away from marriage. It is a lot of fun but also a lot of hard work to make the relationship work.

Thanks for the Birthday wishes! :)

Ketaki... said...

Came across your blog for the first time. Very nicely put and we have an uncanny similar life. I married my husband when I was 24. It was an arrange marriage and he was the only guy I ever met.
I hardly knew him when I married him, now after 2 years of being married to him I cannot be more sure that I was meant to be with him. :)
Keep writing

Calvin said...

I did read some of the pre-2009 posts, and god, they are geeky :)

And no clue on arranged marriages, was always scared with the concept, and about hurting some poor girl's ego...so had to 'fight' it out in the open market :D

DI said...

You are indeed lucky! Every girl I know who had an arranged marriage, had their share of bad experiences :)
Good for you though!
About what makes relationships work, I think, that unless someone is way off the tangent, if you want it to work it does! I believed common tastes, likes and dislikes played a huge part, but frankly, as long as you are happy with each other, nothing seems to matter :D

Bikramjit said...

THats good, and All the best with everything .. it is difficult to meet a person so good these days ..

Things have changed priorities have changed so with that the ideals and the needs have changed hence the problem to find the perfect husband/wife..

Lucky are those people who get them .. I beleive that if you treat others as you yourself would want to be treated then life can be jsut so lovely to live together ...

take care and Be happy :) i beleive be honest ...


dipali said...

The magic words are Respect, Trust and Love!

Anonymous said...

Stay happy always :)
Mine was a love marriage -- and being from 2 religions, it was quite a deal, esp in his family ;)

I always wanted a husband with a good character. And he does. Nothing else mattered...and i guess i just got more than what i bargained for ;)

Neha said...

I think in the long run what counts is the willingness of both the partners to contribute to the relationship happily and 'wanting' to be with each other.
I knew my husband all through grad school and we were friends before we got married, but i think irrespective of whether its arranged or love marriage, the same things count in the long run.

Mansi said...

interesting post, and as the wise put it...marriages are really made in heaven! (after reading all the comments above, that's what comes to my mind) :)

Raam Pyari said...

Prathima- maybe you blog about some of the guys you met! I am sure it will be a post wirth reading!:P

@dee- true you have to look at one another as a team..thats the only way it will work!

@shilpa- true...whether a marriage works or no has little to do with how the two people met...

@wanderlust-thats interesting! three sisters all did diffferent things or should i say reacted differently!

Raam Pyari said...

@tanvii- yes, it is a lot of work to make it work. you forgive some, you fight some. All is still new to me...maybe once you have been married for longer (maybe) boredom sets in and monotony kicks in .....

@ketaki- yes! thats quite similar! thanks for dropping by- will keep visiting your page for more:)

@Calvin- you did! I know they are very very geeky! I am planning to go public with my blog soon and i think i will have to delete most of those posts :P

@DI- Actualy I think you are abs right. Someitmes its as simple as wamting to make it work...some people dont even have to make that conscious decision, I guess..it happens most naturally for them..

@Bikram- true..okay he is not that good also.:P but basically a nice human being and honestly, thats all that I want :) keep visting!

@Dipali- well put! :)

@scorpria- Have you blogged your story? It will be an interesting read! I am all ears!

@neha- yes, also because after living with someone for say 1 year you do get to know him/ her very well....so yes its the basic temperament that really matters...

@Mansi- and as the wiser say it, 'so are thunder and lightning!'

Anonymous said...

Arranged marriage has some much understand and withstand.But still a kid makes a diff turn in life altogether.

Shubhika Taneja said...

Nice blog..BTW what book are u publishing? I would like to read :-)

akanksha said...

Believe me, finding a guy with bare minimum requirements, as you mentioned, is a real touch job :(

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